


Privilege of Forgiveness (and Perpetuity of Love)

by Kas_tiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester Tries, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester is Jack Kline's Parent, Dean Winchester is Sam Winchester's Parent, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Jack Kline Feels, Jack Kline Gets a Hug, Jack Kline Needs A Hug, Post-Episode: s15e13 Destiny's Child, The Author Regrets Nothing, like honestly dean, please, totally indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:07:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24046393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kas_tiel/pseuds/Kas_tiel
Summary: Jack is sobbing, and Dean-Dean has known what it is to be a father for thirty-six-years.(The aftermath of Destiny’s Child).
Comments: 16
Kudos: 151





	Privilege of Forgiveness (and Perpetuity of Love)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, frens. I hope this little thing finds you well, and that you’re ready for some complicated feelings because.
> 
> Because.
> 
> Dean Winchester is a complicated man; he has hated the very people he has never stopped loving, and there is something tragically oxymoronic in that, but it’s true. He can’t help it, I think (perhaps the blame is some twisted self defence mechanism- where Sammy turns it on himself, Dean turns it on others).
> 
> Truth is, without excusing the dumb things he does, I love him anyways.
> 
> This is the first fic I’ve written with Dean as the focus (I’m a sucker for Sam whump, usually), and I’ve tried desperately to convey both the ferocity with which he loves and the flaws he has- in relation with each other and in relation to Jack- as accurately as I can. He’s such a beautifully intricate character, and it was a pleasure to write him.
> 
> This episode broke me, FYI, hence the attempt at some sorta comfort. 
> 
> Don’t kill me, know that I don’t own the characters or show (if I did it would literally just be fifteen seasons of brotherly cuddles and perpetual chick-flic moments) and have a fun lil’ ride, my pineapples.

Jack is sobbing.

He sits a contradiction of quiet tears and shaking frame and _grief_ that seems to metastasise by the second, engulfing him as he pleads (‘ _please, forgive me ,_’) and Dean-

Dean, somewhere in his being, has known what it is to be a father for thirty-six-years.

Oh, _Jesus_ , Dean has _been_ a father for thirty-six-years, as an older brother barely out of diapers, and he has felt guilt, has had it swallow up his insides until there was nothing left to keep his body upright, but this is different. This is not the weight of negligence, not a visceral response to someone else’s penitence (not eyes widening and arms falling to his sides, “ _Do you wanna know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down,_ ” and ice cold shock at the condemnation he had perpetuated, and these tears in front of him aren’t accusation, not “ _I believe in us- why don’t you believe in us, too?_ ”). This is something altogether different, tragedy personified into every facet of innocence, a broken boy and silent begging but- but Dean can’t.

( _Jack killed his mother._ )

Something shakes loose in his throat at the reminder, seems to fall into his chest and quicken his heartbeat and he knows, now, that this is what it means to be a father _only_ , with decades over his charge and failure having written testament in his heart, anxiety repeating damning mantras in his head as he steps forward ( _even though Jack killed Mom, Jack killed Mom, Jack killed Mom_ ) and brings shaking Nephilim to his chest.

Shrouded in too much weight, two sets of eyes on the both of them and one of them sitting down, it’s a sorry excuse for a hug, but that’s okay.

Forgiveness itself is complicated, so it’s okay; _his_ forgiveness stands a caricature, fractured syllables of aged hope that had twisted to mean something more, as if words could convey the regret shrouding his self-rejected culpability, because this boy had been his responsibility, _his child_ , and he had washed his hands clean at the first sign of celestially powered mistake as if that mattered.

( _Jack killed Mom._ )

( _Dean- so many times, too many times, in so many ways- helped destroy the world._ )

It was not as if _he_ hadn’t done worse, you see, not as if _he_ hadn’t killed innocents when his hands were not his own and not forgiven his brother for the very same mistakes, for the _very same soulless-ness_ , for purgatory and Charlie and the apocalypse. What did tattered child given comfort in between the safety of home matter, then? What did _this_ matter? 

( _What is one more lonely soul forgiven- him, somehow, perpetually, the priest from which the damned seek absolution, despite his faithlessness?_ )

_(It’s nothing._ )

( _And it’s about time.)_

So Dean shuts his eyes, and he has been a father for thirty-six-years but he has never felt this way, never has _needed_ to forgive with such ferocity and yet been unable to, and so he lies. Hums in reassurance, presses chaste kiss to chestnut hair (audience be damned, Sam and Cas be damned, _it’s about damn time_ ) but says nothing, hopes his arms around his kid are a good enough piece of pretend and hopes that Jack doesn’t see through it, doesn’t see that _he killed Mom_ and Dean can’t forgive that, _can’t_ , **_won’t_** ; doesn’t see that it’s okay, because Dean has been a father and he knows this dance, or at least something pretty close to it; doesn’t realise that this is unforgiveness, and that Dean has been excelling at it for the better part of his existence.

( _With forty years and so little time left, Dean has learnt to love the people he cannot forgive._ )

(This is why he tightens his hold, thinks losing Sammy and facing his father, thinks demon blood and tainted brother, thinks Castiel shrouded in arrogance-proclaimed God and shattered wall- and he thinks boy, child, _Jack killed his mom_ , and then-)

(Then he thinks love, anyways.) 

**Author's Note:**

> And there you have it.
> 
> I hope you didn’t hate it? 
> 
> (I feel like my notes seem very staccato sORRY IM TIRED).
> 
> (Please lemme know any and all thoughts regarding, I am starved of interaction pLeAsE).
> 
> I’m sorry.
> 
> I’m not sorry, actually, that was cool to write; I feel like I got pretty deep into Dean’s psyche but am unsure on whether or not I did it justice?
> 
> Anyways, stay safe and keep the table salt close!
> 
> (Oh, god, I’m going to break when this show ends).


End file.
